Merry Christmas...Happy Hannukah....Is it 2009 Yet?!

Hi All!
It's been a while (11 days exactly!). Sorry we've been MIA. Sickness, holidaze...and well, laziness.
This time of years seems to make me more tired.

I am (*S) happy to report I'm down 54 pounds (according to my doctors scale) and 51 according to ours. Sweet! Now, I have to admit....I wanted more. BUT! Gaining muscle + losing weight= doubly excellent. So...I'm OK. Really. :)

D is happy to report that he's down a total of 35 pounds and has nearly doubled all of his weights since we began training. Legit, the kid is hip adducting 270 pounds. That's two people!

So, the holidays were OK...a little rough w/ snacking and weird gym hours. However, we're back on track....and not making bullshit excuses.

Speaking of bullshit, we both usually consider resolutions to be bullshit. "I resolve to lose weight!"..."I resolve to quit smoking!"....blah blah. Come Feb 1st everyone has given up and gone back to their old, fat, smoking ways.

Nonetheless, we've made some resolutions ....and we're going to share them. It is our blog after all. ;)

D first!
* Put the ball in motion to pursue what I want to do with the rest of my life (audio and sales ain't it). I went to college for audio, I have some debt and friends to show for it...but it's not my true passion. I want to take the steps this year so I can pursue that passion 100%.

* Continue changing my lifestyle for the positive (healthier eating, making conscious choices etc.). I truly feel like I have turned a corner this year. I'm not just talking about a gym - I'm going. SIX DAYS A WEEK. I'm over the hump of discomfort and ready to keep pushing.

* Be more spiritual (while I don't consider myself religious and never will....I'd like to be more in tune with the world and myself).

* Do more volunteer work (ok...do SOME. Watching a show called "Secret Millionaire" has inspired me to want to help my community more).


*S second (always!):
*Become the type that attracts my type
It’s true that a woman should work on herself before attempting to find a mate. My ideal partner is financially independent, healthy in his eating and exercising routines, emotionally mature, funny, worldly, passionate about something and an all around good person. I imagine this person is looking for the same characteristics in his mate. I will begin a process of embodying these qualities, so that when he finds me, I’ll be ready for him :)

*Continue the pursuit of eliminating personal debt
If I can follow the no-fun budget I will be 100% out of personal debt (credit cards etc.) in 2009. I will have student loans for another 9 years, but I'm not terribly worried about those. They're manageable, and almost everyone has them. My goal is to continue paying off my debt and save where I can. Financial independence, here I come!

*Write a page a day
I want to begin a daily ritual of purging everything that is in my head. Every idea, every dream, every thought—no matter how dark or ridiculous, every secret. A full page. More if I need to. So I can clear my mind and to see myself more realistically. I doubt I'll ever share this with anyone but I know it will help *me*.

*Be more connected
I am the queen of multi-tasking. As such I never give my full attention to anything I do. In 2009 I vow to be more connected and more conscious of my life. I will stop checking my email/voicemail/text messages when someone tells me a story. I will put my laptop away when I watch TV. I will not eat while I'm on the phone. I will give my life the undivided attention it deserves.

*Continue working out / eating healthier
I've done well so far with diet and exercise...in 2009 I want to see myself reach my "perfect" weight. I want to buy clothes in a size 8. I want to run a half marathon. I want to live...and not the life I live now. :) Most of all...I want to stay NO BULLSHIT and meet the goals I set. I might need a lil help from my friends on this one!

*Move to California
2009 is my year. I can feel it. No debt, no baggage (figuratively...and literally - no "junk in the trunk!"). I've always talked about this but I've always let my weight stop me. Not this year.

Peace out 2008....you won't be missed. Hello 2009 - bring us some good luck!
Love,
*US*

Who's To Blame?

So, a friend told me about the 3 stages of changing a behavior (awareness-acceptance-action). He noted that I had seemingly skipped over the second step. I didn't quite believe him at first...but he was right. :)

We know we were in a shitty position, and we took action. However, we never really talked through WHY we ended up there - and that the mistakes were ours alone. Not our parents, not our friends, not our genes (lame). Ours.

People (society, the media) like to place the blame. His mother didn't hold him/His father walked out, of course he became a serial killer! She watched too much TV/played too many video games -- now she's certifiable. The blame always needs to be placed, never owned. That's bullshit.

You make your own choices, and as such - you must accept the consequences. Things don't always turn out as planned...and maybe foresight isn't always present when you need it - but that's life. Regretting the past, or looking for places to place the blame are just a waste of energy.

Looking back at anything that was decided consciously - the only person you can blame is yourself. Things like car accidents, random acts of violence, fires...those are out of your control. But, things you CHOSE....well, only you can be held responsible for.

We're both fat because we made bad decisions....we chose to eat and never workout. We chose to eat to feel better...and we chose to lie to ourselves about the damage food was doing. It's easy to overlook that - and hard to forgive yourself for it. I fucked up - I'm fixing it - it was my fault. Who the hell wants to say that? :)

Sometimes, in a rare moment of weakness you would admit you had in fact fucked up -- however you would immediately justify it by saying"I'll fix it later". Oh really? When exactly IS later? A year? 5? 10? Never? Yeah...more like never. Perhaps only when it presents a problem that is directly in front of us and has no way to be avoided. Even then, the "fix" is usually the easiest or cheapest fix...rarely the BEST fix.

I could pinpoint a dozen examples of times when someone I loved (or maybe didn't even like) called me out on my bad behavior. Instead of fixing it - I would internalize my anger for that person and console myself with food. I knew I had a problem, I wanted to fix it...just not now. I have too much to deal with to fix them now.

For now, I've forgiven myself for fucking up....and D has too. We've made mistakes, we're not making them anymore...but we're constantly reminded of them each day.

Holiday Hassles....

So, tis the season....to be annoyed.

I love Christmas - we both do. Lights! Cards! Presents! Snow! Christmas is fantastic!

But, there's also: crowded stores, bitchier people than usual, cookies and candy EVERYWHERE and ridiculous new people at the gym desperately trying to get thin before New Years. Ugh!

I think this time of year is where dieting gets derailed....

It's cold out. My bed is warm. The gym involves getting dressed (in layers), scraping ice off my windshield and driving in a frigid car for 10 mins. Or, I could stay in my PJ's, under the covers and sleep for another 2 hours. Decisions, decisions.

Now, I'm not stupid...I know I NEED to go the gym. It just seems a lot easier to go when it's nice out.

Let's add sickness to our list of things that suck about this time of year. I've been coughing for 10 days. I'm so sick of hearing myself cough, I could scream. I'm also seriously suffering during my cardio - more than 5 mins results in wheezing, then coughing. Yuck. I'm doing more weights, and more reps - but I just want to be back at 100% and back to doing cardio every day.

For D he's been plagued by some pretty awful migraines and nose bleeds.
Yup, winter = dry skin = nose bleed. Frankly, it's nasty.

D says, "My biggest annoyance is that for some reason people feel like they need to turn into Betty Fucking Crocker at Christmas time. Because it's Christmas people think they have an all-exclusive fat ass food pass. Like somehow God Almighty will come down and forgive you for eating another plate of brownies. No! This is bullshit. Your ass needs to go to the gym, stat. **

Because it's Christmas...and the next holiday is New Years, some people have decided to make their resolutions early. This means resolving to go to the gym everyday - and annoy the hell out of people who were going before it was a holiday trend. February can't come fast enough. I figure by then the ShortTermers will give up and go back to being fat. At least, I hope so. Who else is going to eat all the Valentine's Day candy stocking shelves by mid-January?

In the past week we also both had bad clothing encounters. I bought D a pea coat for Xmas - but I bought it online because it was on sale. It arrives, and looks huge. He tries it on only to discover that it fits (not loosely) and looks ugly. This leads to huge discouragement...feeling like you've come so far only to have those feelings dashed when something doesn't fit.

I got a pair of jeans that "looked" like they might be my size...only to try them on and find out they were nowhere close. Ack. Little things make it seem like you've accomplished nothing so far.

More soon....
Love,
*US

*Note: The picture we chose for this entry makes us laugh. Who actually eats fruitcake?!

Alone ... and Single.

Solo post tonight....D is off doing something.

I just finished writing out my Christmas cards. Something that usually puts me in a great mood - and now I'm sad. All day I've been thinking about being single at the holidays (something that has historically *never* bothered me). For some reason...it's driving me nuts this year. Maybe it's that everyone around me is part of a happy couple? Maybe it's that I keep wondering if I'm single solely because I'm fat?

I mean...not to be arrogant, but I rock. :) I'm cute, I'm bubbly - why am I single? My slew of failed past relations indicates both commitment issues - and poor decisions. I decided I should avoid the usual red flags (recent breakups, lack of ambition) and I have been successful in not falling for the wrong guys. However, a right guy....or someone marginally close is nowhere to be found.

Are my expectations too high for what I bring to the table?

I was chatting w/ one of the guys at work today about my future. I will be debt free, and to my goal weight at roughly the same time. After celebrating ensues (on both coasts...and in between), I think I'd like to move. I mentioned my love of California - and joked it would be nice to start fresh somewhere. Truthfully, I fantasize about this. Moving somewhere and being *Samantha...only not the *Samantha I am today - a size 8 version. Somehow, in my head, being that magic size 8 will come with a new boyfriend and some inner peace. Am I asking for too much?

Then I wonder, would I really want someone who didn't know me before I changed? Someone who had never seen me at my highest weight, and never saw what I went through to be a size 8? *sigh*...I'm not sure. While a new life sounds fantastic on paper, there's something to be said for people who know you (and love you) as is.

I recently found my ex-best friend on Facebook. We were friends from age 13 until about 24. She was always overweight - and always dated losers (things we had in common). Well, she's small now - and married. Her life still isn't perfect (no one's is)...but god I envied her. She found someone when she was fat - and he loved her the same then as he does now (a good 100 pounds lighter).

There's a fabulous song by John Mayer called "Love Song for No One" - and in the acoustic version he says: "This song is about uh talking to the person you haven't even met yet. And, maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you'll be! You just gotta wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there, they're just learning what to contrast you against".

The hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that, and believe that my perfect man isn't here because of timing, not because of my weight.

I'm then reminded of another song...this one by the Rolling Stones:

"You can't always get what you want...
And if you try sometime you find....
You get what you need"

Maybe I can't get what I want (right now), but instead I'm getting what I need? I hope so.

Sleepily,
*S