Alone ... and Single.

Solo post tonight....D is off doing something.

I just finished writing out my Christmas cards. Something that usually puts me in a great mood - and now I'm sad. All day I've been thinking about being single at the holidays (something that has historically *never* bothered me). For some reason...it's driving me nuts this year. Maybe it's that everyone around me is part of a happy couple? Maybe it's that I keep wondering if I'm single solely because I'm fat?

I mean...not to be arrogant, but I rock. :) I'm cute, I'm bubbly - why am I single? My slew of failed past relations indicates both commitment issues - and poor decisions. I decided I should avoid the usual red flags (recent breakups, lack of ambition) and I have been successful in not falling for the wrong guys. However, a right guy....or someone marginally close is nowhere to be found.

Are my expectations too high for what I bring to the table?

I was chatting w/ one of the guys at work today about my future. I will be debt free, and to my goal weight at roughly the same time. After celebrating ensues (on both coasts...and in between), I think I'd like to move. I mentioned my love of California - and joked it would be nice to start fresh somewhere. Truthfully, I fantasize about this. Moving somewhere and being *Samantha...only not the *Samantha I am today - a size 8 version. Somehow, in my head, being that magic size 8 will come with a new boyfriend and some inner peace. Am I asking for too much?

Then I wonder, would I really want someone who didn't know me before I changed? Someone who had never seen me at my highest weight, and never saw what I went through to be a size 8? *sigh*...I'm not sure. While a new life sounds fantastic on paper, there's something to be said for people who know you (and love you) as is.

I recently found my ex-best friend on Facebook. We were friends from age 13 until about 24. She was always overweight - and always dated losers (things we had in common). Well, she's small now - and married. Her life still isn't perfect (no one's is)...but god I envied her. She found someone when she was fat - and he loved her the same then as he does now (a good 100 pounds lighter).

There's a fabulous song by John Mayer called "Love Song for No One" - and in the acoustic version he says: "This song is about uh talking to the person you haven't even met yet. And, maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you'll be! You just gotta wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there, they're just learning what to contrast you against".

The hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that, and believe that my perfect man isn't here because of timing, not because of my weight.

I'm then reminded of another song...this one by the Rolling Stones:

"You can't always get what you want...
And if you try sometime you find....
You get what you need"

Maybe I can't get what I want (right now), but instead I'm getting what I need? I hope so.

Sleepily,
*S