Goals: Not That David Beckham Shit...Actual Aspirations.

I wanted to share some of the goals we've come up with for ourselves.

Derek is currently rocking a 6XL shirt, and a 56-inch pant. He hopes to be a 3XL shirt and 42-inch pant. Before we met Brian, Derek hoped to be 285 someday. His current goal weight is 350 (as 285 is the amount of lean mass he currently has) - but he is more concerned with not ending up 6 feet under. At the rate he was going, I would be buying him a tombstone for his 25th birthday. That scares the shit out of both of us.

I am currently a size 28 in Lane Bryant clothes, also known as "the largest size you can buy in a store before custom ordering". Before we saw Brian I hoped to weigh 143 pounds, but on our first meeting he tested for lean mass and told me I had 169 pounds of it. This dashed all hopes that I would ever weigh 143. Unless of course I got a femur, and a few organs removed. However, I would like to own ONE thing that is a size 8. Seeing a single digit on the tag of clothing will allow to me to die a happy woman.

One thing you will never hear in this blog is the following quote: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I HATE that quote. I think it's bullshit. I hate Oprah, and I think she of people knows that cheesecake tastes better than new clothes - and her ass shows the evidence.

Once again, the SUhp motto: "Let's not bullshit each other".

So, down to the nitty gritty. What are we looking forward to???

Derek's top 7 goals are as follows:

* Fitting into seats at restaurants, movies, airplanes, concerts...just walking in, sitting down and enjoying life.

* To be "checked out" in public, by cute girls that are over 18, yet under 40. Cougars, need not apply.

* Buying clothes off the rack in a store (and no, we don't mean the fat store).

* Learning how to box. The only thing a fat person fights for is his place in line at the buffet.

* Going to the beach, sans shirt and not hearing a single laugh.

* Doing a pull-up. For a man, there is something gratifying about lifting your own weight.

* Getting a custom designed tattoo on his bicep. He's been talking about this tattoo for longer than I care to recall.

*Samantha*'s top 7 goals:

* Owning, and rocking a bikini. Not just one, preferably more than one. :)

* Wearing a dress, and knee high boots at the same time. The day I can do this, celebrating will ensue.

* Walking long, NYC blocks and keeping up with my BFF, Julie's strides. She is a quick walker - and a good influence on me

* Getting a tattoo, to show off my accomplishments. It will be on my hip bone (left hip) and it will have something to do with stars (my thang).

* Bellydancing in public, in gorgeous costumes. You might find this funny, but I already know HOW to bellydance. I've been taking lessons for nearly three years. I just can't bring myself to perform because of the weight. There are plenty of dancers who are not a size 2...and I respect them greatly. I just can't bring myself to join them. So, bellydancing is on hold until further notice. But, I'll be blogging about it for sure.

* Running a half marathon. I know so many people who have done this, and it seems insanely rewarding. Currently I can't run, nevermind run 13.1 miles. Infact, I was excited to be able to WALK a mile on the treadmill. It took me 20 mins.

* Sustaining a relationship that's not built on baggage, but on love. Every person I've dated has come with some huge flaw, something that levels the playing field. I'm fat, he can't get over his ex. I'm fat, he has mommy issues. I want so badly to meet someone and not have to make excuses for their bad behavior.

Let's hope we meet all these....and meet them soon! :-)

Team Salamander Unicorn Hot Pocket Intro's

Hello World!
We are Team Salamander Unicorn Hot Pocket...and we're blogging about our weight loss.

I won't bore you with the details of our lives up until now....but I will give you glimpses into being fat for your whole life; and the revelations you encounter when you decide to change that.

Who am I? *Samantha*....or *S...or SU2.

Who's the other half of this team? My brother, younger (only in age) Derek...aka D....aka SU1. I might have come first, but he's first at everything else! ;)

I'll be doing most of the writing, frankly because he's too damn lazy. He'll be providing all the comic relief and together...we'll be losing weight.

So, here is our obligatory introduction paragraphs.

Derek (SU1) is a 22 yr old, charismatic, charming, funny, amazingly handsome...(ok, clearly he's writing this). He's funny, he's down to earth, he is an AMAZING judge of character and he's my sounding board. He's the brawn of the operation. Six foot plus in stature, Derek easily intimidates people everywhere we go (this comes in handy nearly every day).

*Samantha (SU2) is 26-yrs old, bubbly, sparkly, talkative and the brains of the operations. I'm bossy, I like my own way, I usually get it. I also like to make excuses. D does not accept any of these excuses. It's the perfect combo.

We have been overweight for pretty much our whole lives - I was heavy from about age 10 on; Derek gained the bulk of his weight between ages 14-18. We can't give you exact numbers...and there was no moment of "OMG, I'm fat". It just happened.

So did we not notice we were fat? No. Don't be silly. I never understand people who say "But I didn't realize I was fat!" . Bitch, yes you did. There's no way you don't realize you're fat as you wriggle your ass into size 28 jeans and scream "I hate the dryerrrrrrrrrr! It shrinks my clothes!!!!!!!!". The dryer didn't shrink your clothes....All the shit you eat then lie to yourself about did.

Let's not bullshit each other.

We are very "no bullshit" kind of people. We come by it honestly. Our mom, and to some extent our dad are the same way.

So, how fat are we?

Derek (SU1) was 529 pounds (of love) when we began this journey a month ago. I (standing at a small 5'4") weighed 404 pounds.

Together, we weighed 933 pounds. Let me say that again....together, we weighed NINE HUNDRED THIRTY THREE POUNDS.

We both jumped on the weight loss train before. I had been to Weight Watchers more times than I care to admit, and while I had some limited success - overall I failed. I figured out how to cheat! You eat something....and don't write it down! Amazing! Or not....because the scale never lies.

Derek joined WW a year ago-ish to support me. He had great success and hardly ever cheated (bastard!). But, some girl woes came along...and pretty soon those pounds crept back on.
We were diet rejects.

Sidebar: As great as Weight Watchers is...living on it is hard. Points sound like a great concept (no counting!); but really they don't teach you how to eat. So long as you are "on point" all day - you can eat pretty much anything. Donuts? 5 points! McDonalds? Get a kids meal! What am I going to do...count points for the rest of my life? What if I happen to (gasp!) leave the house without my points book?! Failure is eminent.

Being fat is easy. There, I said it. Fat people never want to admit it...but it's easy. No thinking, no counting, no will power. Just eat.

The turning point for Derek came a few months back - when he thought he was literally having a heart attack. It ended up just being a severe case of acid reflux due to the excessive sums of fried food he used to eat; but the scare was enough to set him straight.

I wish I could say I have had my "Ah-ha" moment. But, I'd be lying. I pretty much learned how to work around all the disadvantages of being fat. Stairs are too tough? Take the elevator. Everyone's going to the beach? Say you have other plans.

Avoiding real life was easy. Facing our problems has proved to be much harder.

So, how have things changed?

On September 23rd, 2008 we began seeing a nutritionist/personal trainer named Brian. He has proved to be the best decision we ever made.

Brian put us on a strict diet (1800 calories, lots of lean protein, veggies and fruit). While he didn't require us to cut the "fun" things out immediately, we both decided it was for the best. Go for broke, baby.

For Derek, this meant severing ties with his long love of hamburgers (in the word of Brian "Butchers put all the stuff they can't use in a grinder with some meat and call it hamburger. This is the quickest way to a heart attack"). D also used to drink about 4+ liters of soda a day (mostly diet); he gave that up cold turkey.

For me, this meant no more appletinis, whipped/mocha/coconut coffee goodness from Starbucks and NO bagels. I once said I could sustain myself on coffee and bagels. Now, I couldn't even tell you the last time I ate a bagel....and I don't miss them.

Week One was amazing. Who knew eating healthy could be this easy?!?!?!
Week Two would prove to be harder...more eating out, more opportunities to cheat.
Week Three was when it all came together - we joined a gym.

US? In a GYM? The thought sent shivers down my spine. Derek was excited, I was nauseous. People watching me workout?! Ew. This is where I realized that men and women differ greatly in their weight loss ideals. Derek didn't care WHO looked at him, he was a house - and no one would mess with him. Meanwhile, I was petrified of falling off the treadmill, not being able to do more than 5 crunches in a row, or generally embarrassing myself.

Luckily, this fear was short lived - as the staff at the gym are very helpful non judgmental people, and we ALWAYS went together. Having someone else there to workout with makes it go by quicker.

Currently we are in week 5 of this journey - and the progress thus far is amazing.

Derek is down 30 pounds, his face looks SO thin comparatively and he's beginning to have defined muscles in his shoulders and arms. His endurance is way up - and yesterday he managed to go 22 mins on the recumbent after only being able to do 3 his first time out. He's excited about the gym, willing to do whatever it takes to continue succeeding...and looking quite sexy. ;)

I am down 26 pounds, and my biggest accomplishment to date is being able to see my ankles. Legit. I can't tell you how satisfying it is to wear ankle boots without having to cut them/mutilate them or have three people help you shove your foot into them. Trust me, a year ago this act of putting on boots was like trying to get a basketball into a Slurpee straw.

Reflecting on the past month, I'll share some moments I feel were "defining".

For Derek he's wearing clothes he hasn't fit into in ages, not nearly as tired as he once was (no more napping every day just to survive). He's also making awesome food choices, and liking the difference he sees in his body when it's fed healthy food (not fried/sugary bullshit).

For me, it's noticing how my friends and coworkers eat/exercise. They are my definition of "normal" and it's nice feeling more aligned on that front. However, I would like to know when the memo was sent out that you must join a gym. Was I absent? Did I lose it? Either way, I had no idea that every was doing it.

A note about our team name, as I'm sure you might be wondering why we are Salamander Unicorn Hot Pocket if you've read this far. Derek calls me Sammy Salamander (a nickname I despise, like most of the things he's dubbed me with). Unicorn is an inside joke and Hot Pocket is a tribute to Jim Gaffigan, whom we both adore.

There you have it, Salamander Unicorn Hot Pocket. SUhp for short.