27 is a lonely number

(solo post)

27.

In two days I will be 27. That's LATE TWENTIES! Aaaah!

It's looming over my head, like a dark cloud. Late twenties. No longer "mid" or "early"...late. Late implies something. It implies I have my shit together more than I do (or should). It implies I'm no longer a child, but a full fledged adult. There are no more excuses for fuck-ups.

Looking at my life compared to this time last year, I'm better off. In less debt. Smaller (with more muscle!). Happier. However, I am a habitual comparison shopper. And frankly, I don't measure up to my friends.

70% are happily married or in successful long term relationships
90% are debt free
95% own their own home, or rent a nice apartment

I can't help but thinking, for as far as I have come....I am so far behind the curve.

Sure, I like my job (more so lately), I have a college degree, I'm pretty well-respected in the industry...

But, I'm single. Single and still fat and living at home b/c of my mound of debt.

Now, that debt is smaller, and the fat is 62 pounds less....but that doesn't factor into my self-disappointment. I'm not where I want to be at this point in my life.

I often wonder if others set "goals" in regards to their age. By 22 I will do X....by 27 I will do Z. Am I the only one who puts so much emphasis on age?! Maybe...

---

I wrote this, then I reread it and I thought "I want to post it...but I want to force myself to focus on the positive too". So, in that spirit, here is 27 things I love about myself. While I like making lists, this one was painful to come up with!

1. My giggle. I have a seriously cute giggle, and I love to laugh.
2. My ability to remember random details about every customer I talk to.
3. My hips. They're perfect for bellydancing!
4. My relationship w/ my mom...she means the world to me, and I love that we're so close
5. My childlike excitement when I discover I can color code, sparkle or personalize something
6. My no-bullshit attitude. Don't sass me, I'll sass you back!
7. My eyes. They're hazel/green/brown and really pretty in the light.
8. My height. 5'4" is perfect. Pants are always long enough, and high shelves are almost always w/in reach
9. My constant focus on the positive (esp. at work)
10. My integrity - I have a set of beliefs I will not compromise. Ever.
11. My sense of humor - it's quirky, I'm sarcastic...but I like it.
12. My obnoxious, yet wholly *Samantha* way of using emoticons and exclamation points in emails/IM. I really do talk this way!
13. My inability to have successful IM conversations...I always ended up calling the person. I am an IN-person person
14. My inquisitive nature. I love polling people, hearing people lives stories etc.
15. My generosity. I always go out of my way for people I love.
16. The sparkles. I love that *'s and sparkles have become my "thing"
17. My blonde moments. For as smart as I am...I can say the DUMBEST things sometimes!
18. My multi-tasking. No one multi-tasks like I do!
19. The fact that I can tell you 5 things I love about each of my friends, on demand.
20. I am loyal almost to a fault sometimes. I never want to believe the people I love have flaws
21. Shiny hair. I've dyed my hair every color known to man, and it still somehow looks shiny and fabulous most days.
22. My memory for small details. I remember every part of a story I hear.
23. My girlyness!
24. My coffee addiction, and my unwillingness to give it up...haha!
25. My ability to bullshit when necessary. Resumes...cover letters...I can spice em up better than anyone I know!
26. My hands. They're smallish - but they look great w/ my long nails.
27. My melting pot heritage. I'm Italian...Irish...Scottish...whatever! :)

Love,
*S

Where Do We Go From Here?

Hi All!

Sorry for the recent absence of posts. I could give you a bunch of excuses...but I won't. I suck, I'll try sucking less. ;)

We're hitting that 3/4 month mark...also known as a "slump". We've been religious about gymming (yes, it is a verb. I decided so) and eating well .... but the pounds ain't falling off quite as quick as they used to. *sigh*

In D's case he's building muscle - lots of muscle. In my case? I think my fat is complacent. It

doesn't want to9 leave if it doesn't have to.

I've talked about my slump (3 weeks, same weight) w/ Brian (our trainer) - he's encouraged me to up my exercise - aim for twice a day. But really, who wants to go to the gym twice in one day?! All I want for my birthday is some new metabolism. Please?

I know what I need to do is step up my game and just go "balls to the wall" (for lack of a better word) for the next few months. However, SAYING that...and actually getting out of bed at 5am are 2 vastly different things.

D starts a new job next Monday - which he's excited for. It's more money, but lousy hours. He'll be working midnight-9am - and the place is about 45mins to an hour from the house. So, a lot of planning will be necessary to maintain his routine. On the positive, he's been doing a new workout WITH Brian. Yup, he does what Brian does. Now, let me put this in perspective for you.

Derek = 23, 6'3", 510 pounds, former couch potato/currently in tech support

Brian= 52, 5'10",193 pounds, former bodybuilder/boxer/current personal trainer extraordinaire.

So, imagine being D doing the "Brian workout" WITH Brian. Holy shit, it's intense.

This post seems a little shallow...I guess it's just an update on where we're at - and a note that it's not as shiny and new as it once was. It's winter...it's cold, no one wants to leave their house. :)
More soon - including a rant about my impending b-day.

XO
*Us

I Hate Sudden Changes...All Changes

*S solo post.


For those of you who know me well, you know I hate change. I don't deal well with it in any capacity. I don't like new ways of doing things, I don't like being taken from my comfort zone. Ever!



That being said....change is inevitable. I'm realizing that in order to truly embrace the life I want, a part of me is going to have to die and be reborn. Sounds morbid maybe, but it's true.



I am currently obsessed w/ Criminal Minds (an American TV show about FBI Behavioral Profilers. They catch criminals, they're super smart and sometimes sexy too*!) - and the opening quote in an episode I watched the other night was:



"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another." -- Anatole France


*The "sexy" part of Criminal Minds is Shemar Moore. Mmmm!



Anyways, that quote really struck a note deep inside me. I really have to let go of my old life, and my old habits in order to become a new person. This has proven to be easier said than done...



I have the eating portion of my new life pretty much down. I'm at 1700 calories a day - lots of protein - limited sugar and alcohol. Infact, I'm trying to go until Valentine's Day before I have another alcoholic beverage. We'll see if I can be martini-free that long!

I'm doing well with the gym. Making it there at least once a day, but planning to aim for twice a day (cardio in the AM and weights in the PM or vice versa). I'm also setting up gym dates w/ Rach so we can start preparing for our 5K.

I'm taking steps in the right direction... it just seems a little sad to know I will never be the person I was before. She wasn't bad, she just made poor choices. Lots of poor choices.

One thing that makes me really happy is that I don't have to severe any ties w/ friends. I worried that maybe people in my life wouldn't be willing to support me in the venture. I was wrong, I've gotten so much support it's just outstanding! Even the guys I work with have been really great about letting me vent/reveal in new discoveries. :-)

So, the new mantra is to embrace change...it might be scary, but the outcome will be beautiful!
Love,
*S

Love My Hips....Hate My Belly.

Solo entry tonight. All about bellydancing.

D isn't doing anything terribly important...I just feel like monopolizing your time with my thoughts. ;)

So, about 4 yrs ago I was seeing someone who turned out to be a real loser (more on my bad taste in men later). When he left me (I'd love to say I left...but that would be a lie) I needed a new hobby. Stat.

I remember being in Target w/ my friend Layne trying to find a "hobby". I ended leaving with a bellydance DVD, a Tai Chi DVD and a book about knitting. Needless to say, only bellydance interested me after a week. I decided to try taking a class - and while I felt semi-riduclous, I figured I would be adventurous! I weighed 365 pounds the day of my first class. Legit.

I had always taken dance classes when I was younger (jazz, tap) and I figured I would be good at bellydancing. It seemed fun, and sexy. As a sidenote: bellydancing DOES NOT mean stripping.
Clothes stay on. Lots of clothes. Layers, sparkly bits, etc.

The first teacher turned out to be too needy for me, but I did meet by BostonBFF there (Rachel G.). I will forever be grateful for that! I also realized how intense this "hobby" of mine was! So many moves, so much music, so much culture! It's seriously an obsessive pastime!

I bounced around to a few other teachers - and bought more and more DVDs. By a year and a half, I had gotten pretty good! I loved having hips....it made shimmying so much easier! However, I hated my belly - and subsequently my ass. I envied size 4 bellydancers. I desperately wanted to be one of them. Sure, there are plus-sized women who dance (and dance well)....but that wasn't what I wanted. I wasn't proud of being "Goddess sized" (as I was once lovingly referred to). I wanted to buy cute costumes...and actually show my BELLY when bellydancing. Alas, it never happened. I also became obsessed with props. Veils, zills, swords, wings of isis, fans....you name it, I bought it.

In retrospect, the more distractions I had with me - the less I thought people would notice my size.

Note: I bet I have spent a good 40% of my life trying to "appear" thinner...or prettier...or both. I wonder why I could never be happy as is before?

The best teacher I found was Lily. She was an amazing teacher, wonderful dancer and a good friend. She's also working on her Phd. I <3>

I only performed 5 times that I can think of. Three at a dive bar where a friend of mine and her hubby organize "themed" shows. They were always fun performances (70's theme, Hollywood harem and a space show). I also danced at a friend's benefit and once in New Jersey. NJ was my best performance for sure. Oh wait, I forgot. I STUPIDLY signed up for a bellydance contest. It was horrible, and the comments I received from the judges were just nasty. It made me never want to step foot on a stage again.

I think the thing that deterred me from wanting to perform was discussing bellydancing at work, or in front of acquaintances and getting *the look*. The "how the hell does someone HER size bellydance?!" look. Sure, a lot of my friends were super supportive...but still.

About 2 yrs ago I started a fundraising event with BostonRach (this is to differentiate her from my LARach w/ whom I share a love of Project Runway and the same birthday). BostonRach decided to do the Pan Mass Challenge. To raise money, we held a bellydancing fundraiser called Shimmies for a Cure. It was such a great success, that we had a followup the next yr. This year, we're planning Shimmies III: The Shimmy Fund. It's going to be March 28th.

I've decided to dance.

It will be my first time dancing at my own event (I punked out the last 2 times...last minute. I just couldn't do it). It will also be the first time I'm dancing since about August of 2007. Eeeep! Not dancing for so long has been multifaceted. It's not just being self-conscious...it's lacking confidence in my own skills. No matter how much I practice, I never think I'll be as good as the people around me. This is something else I need to work on.

Focusing all my energy on losing weight has been good and bad. I'm getting slimmer and stronger....but I'm also realizing that my problems are more than just my size. I need to love ME, the me that everyone in my life loves. I need to stop comparing myself to other women (does anyone reading this know how to do that?!).

I'm nervous as hell to dance. The fucking song is only 4 mins long, and I've spent about 100 hours agonizing over it! It's more than just dancing. It's getting up in front of people I love, admire and respect - and having the potential of failure looming over my head. AHHHH!
Somehow, my problem is more than just "stage fright". I get literally, sick to my stomach and want to puke/cry. All I can envision is people laughing at me for being fat - or me falling. It's ludicrous! Deep breath....deep breath! I'm going to push through the nausea, fear, potential "worst case scenario" and I'm going to dance. I'm going to fucking rock out to "Wind It Up" by Gwen Stefani...(love that song)!

Thanks for listening to my ranting...!

Love,

*S

PS- This picture is of me, with ISIS wings at Rakkasah in NJ in 2006.

Got to Keep on Moving...*

Hi Everybody!
Gym update...we have mom and dad committed to working out in '09. They both have memberships now so we're going to be getting healthy as a family. Yay! Dad is a little behind the curve on exercising, but mom has jumped right in.

Derek worked out w/ Brian (our trainer) this week. As in, he did the SAME workout that Brian does. Now, let's give some background on Brian. He's 52, he's about 5'10" and he's solid muscle. Formerly a body builder and boxer..he's intense. He's also fucking hysterical and he keeps us in line.

So, Derek's workout consisted of the following: cardio warm-up then some free weight exercises (lifting, pressing) in rep/weight intervals...followed by some rowing. The free weight lifting and pressing was for shoulders and chest (20lbs to 45 lbs in intervals, 15 reps at each weight). Starting with 70 pounds on the rowing machine they would do 15 reps...then increase the weight to 80 pounds and do another 15 reps. Continue this vicious cycle until 120 pounds then decrease back down to 70 pounds in 10lb/15 rep intervals. Needless to say, Derek was exhausted. In a good way!

I have a new hardcore workout - and was told to "Stop talking, start walking". Apparently I should be completing my workout within 55 mins...and it's taking me 75 mins. I can't help it...I talk a lot! But, yesterday I did it the right way. I was fucking exhausted and grossly sweaty. In a good way? Unsure. I hate feeling dirty.

In non-gym related news - Derek has a new job! Woooooooo! He's going to be doing tech support for a company that secures websites and tesxt messaging. Pretty rad. He's psyched. The only downside is the hours, his shift will either be 4pm - 1am or 12am(midnight) to 9am. Both of these will cause a shift in his sleeping/workout schedule but will be better traffic wise and pay wise (shift differential).

I've decided on a different 5K (the one in April conflicts w/ other plans). So this one is in June. I'm excited. I have more than enough ramp up time. I keep hearing that 5K's are the gateway drug....we'll see if that's true. For now, I'm using a loose version of Couch to 5K during my cardio workout days.

http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/Programs/conservative_program.htm

I think it will take me about 4 months to get ready, but I'd like to be able to be RUNNING by 6 months. Not just briskly walking or jogging. This spring I am hoping to be able jog/run during lunch. I always envied people who did this at work!

I've added a few new goals. I want to run a marathon (first a half) for charity...and I also want to be able to try every sportsy thing I've never been able to do. I know...sounds odd. On my short list: Snowboarding, skiing, surfing, roller blading and scuba diving. Fat people do not scuba dive. Ever.

Derek has much more superficial goals; he wants to look good pool-side in Vegas. Marathons be damned. He's also mentioned a few things he wants to try when he's thinner: basketball (he may not be Kevin Garnett, but he can try), para-sailing (this sport is the least fat friendly) and swimming. Sure, you might think you've seen fat people swimming....but no, they're just floating. Trust us.

XO
*US!

PS - While mom has done good at the gym so far....dad is a little rough around the edges. He whines. A lot As such, we nicknamed him "Ronnie Slowasaurus Rex". More on him in the next blog!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

We interrupt our regular postings to bring you a breaking news bulletin!

Both our parents have joined the gym.

I repeat, BOTH OUR PARENTS HAVE JOINED THE GYM!

This is huge.

Mom had never been to a gym in her life.

Dad may have - but we're pretty sure it was as a spectator.

2009 - The whole family is getting healthy.

***This concludes the breaking news bulletin***

D's Solo Post # 3 - Longterm Goals

Hey Guys. Solo post #3.
Hope you all had a nice holiday. I decided its time I post about some of my long term goals. As you may or may not know I have a degree in audio and media production. About 4 hours after receiving my degree I realized this was not what I want to do with my life. My heart isn't in it - and the music business is a sucky business. I've been in sales/support for over a year now, and having A degree has been good enough up until this point. Good enough isn't a way to make a life.
So I've been reassessing my choices and I decided I want to pursue a different field.
Something that has always interested me is Criminal Justice. So, I'd like to work towards being a cop. This might shock some of you - given that I did once aspire to be a rapper - but everyone grows up at some point.
Looking forward twenty years - the prospects in the music business were sad. Loyalty is nowhere to be found, and the business turns out a lot of "nobodies". I want to be someone. I want to make a difference to my community, and to someone out there. I want to leave an impression on the world. From an economic perspective, the music business is paying miminum wage - if you're lucky. Single sales of digital downloads far outweigh and exceed the sales of full albums. This forces the artist to take a hit, and everyone down the line to take a hit. By the time you get to the assistants...you're giving out $1 bills.
I had spent the past few months thinking about other career options - IT (boring), law (too expensive) and then finally I seriously considered the possibility of law enforcement.
I couldn't be a cop right now - I'd pass the written exams no problem. It's the physical test that would kick my ass. You and I both know my fat ass couldn't run an obstacle course at this point. Unless of course I was being tasered. Then, maybe I'd make it out alive.
I'm giving myself a two-year timeframe to get into shape. I'm planning to work out harder, with a more strict regimen. Infact my next session with Brian will be the hardest to date. He's revised a whole new workout for me, and I'm both terrified and excited. Turns out I'll be working out WITH him. There's a good chance only one of us will make it out alive.
(I don't mean me). If I do die, I leave the Team Salamander Unicorn fans my charisma. Oh and my charm. I'd say dashing good looks, but I would have died pursuing them. Ok this is sounding creepy........moving on.
Ultimately I'd like to work on a fugitive task force at a federal level. It's a tough job, but it seems greatly rewarding. I refuse to let anyone talk me out of this or tell me it's too hard. I know it's going to be hard. If it was easy, I'd have already done it. Thanks Scooter.
So its a goal - one that will take time and perserverance to acheive - but I'm willing to try. Can't fail if you don't try. I'll be posting progress updates so stay tuned.
Peace out.
D

I Might Be Crazy....

....but I signed up for an Urban Road Race. It sounds fabulous. It's trivia in teams and running. My BostonBFF Rachel (as opposed to my NYCBFF, Julie) is running it with me. She's a science nerd, so I know we've got anything science or math covered. I'm all about TV/movies/fads. Oh and we both know Boston. Sweet! I'm excited.

http://www.greaturbanrace.com/rules.html

I'm also going to do a 5K - maybe in April. Maybe this one:

http://www.glrr.net/races/Pleasant_mile_5k/index.html

I am certifiable. Insane. I am only briskly walking right now...not jogging or running. But, I figure it's about time I push myself. So, I signed up - and I've emailed Brian (trainer) about a training schedule. He's excited. I'm excited.

I also have been reading all about couch to 5K's. So much interesting stuff!

Heading to the gym. If anyone reading wants to join Rachel and I for the Urban Race - let me know! The more, the merrier.

XO
*S