Love My Hips....Hate My Belly.

Solo entry tonight. All about bellydancing.

D isn't doing anything terribly important...I just feel like monopolizing your time with my thoughts. ;)

So, about 4 yrs ago I was seeing someone who turned out to be a real loser (more on my bad taste in men later). When he left me (I'd love to say I left...but that would be a lie) I needed a new hobby. Stat.

I remember being in Target w/ my friend Layne trying to find a "hobby". I ended leaving with a bellydance DVD, a Tai Chi DVD and a book about knitting. Needless to say, only bellydance interested me after a week. I decided to try taking a class - and while I felt semi-riduclous, I figured I would be adventurous! I weighed 365 pounds the day of my first class. Legit.

I had always taken dance classes when I was younger (jazz, tap) and I figured I would be good at bellydancing. It seemed fun, and sexy. As a sidenote: bellydancing DOES NOT mean stripping.
Clothes stay on. Lots of clothes. Layers, sparkly bits, etc.

The first teacher turned out to be too needy for me, but I did meet by BostonBFF there (Rachel G.). I will forever be grateful for that! I also realized how intense this "hobby" of mine was! So many moves, so much music, so much culture! It's seriously an obsessive pastime!

I bounced around to a few other teachers - and bought more and more DVDs. By a year and a half, I had gotten pretty good! I loved having hips....it made shimmying so much easier! However, I hated my belly - and subsequently my ass. I envied size 4 bellydancers. I desperately wanted to be one of them. Sure, there are plus-sized women who dance (and dance well)....but that wasn't what I wanted. I wasn't proud of being "Goddess sized" (as I was once lovingly referred to). I wanted to buy cute costumes...and actually show my BELLY when bellydancing. Alas, it never happened. I also became obsessed with props. Veils, zills, swords, wings of isis, fans....you name it, I bought it.

In retrospect, the more distractions I had with me - the less I thought people would notice my size.

Note: I bet I have spent a good 40% of my life trying to "appear" thinner...or prettier...or both. I wonder why I could never be happy as is before?

The best teacher I found was Lily. She was an amazing teacher, wonderful dancer and a good friend. She's also working on her Phd. I <3>

I only performed 5 times that I can think of. Three at a dive bar where a friend of mine and her hubby organize "themed" shows. They were always fun performances (70's theme, Hollywood harem and a space show). I also danced at a friend's benefit and once in New Jersey. NJ was my best performance for sure. Oh wait, I forgot. I STUPIDLY signed up for a bellydance contest. It was horrible, and the comments I received from the judges were just nasty. It made me never want to step foot on a stage again.

I think the thing that deterred me from wanting to perform was discussing bellydancing at work, or in front of acquaintances and getting *the look*. The "how the hell does someone HER size bellydance?!" look. Sure, a lot of my friends were super supportive...but still.

About 2 yrs ago I started a fundraising event with BostonRach (this is to differentiate her from my LARach w/ whom I share a love of Project Runway and the same birthday). BostonRach decided to do the Pan Mass Challenge. To raise money, we held a bellydancing fundraiser called Shimmies for a Cure. It was such a great success, that we had a followup the next yr. This year, we're planning Shimmies III: The Shimmy Fund. It's going to be March 28th.

I've decided to dance.

It will be my first time dancing at my own event (I punked out the last 2 times...last minute. I just couldn't do it). It will also be the first time I'm dancing since about August of 2007. Eeeep! Not dancing for so long has been multifaceted. It's not just being self-conscious...it's lacking confidence in my own skills. No matter how much I practice, I never think I'll be as good as the people around me. This is something else I need to work on.

Focusing all my energy on losing weight has been good and bad. I'm getting slimmer and stronger....but I'm also realizing that my problems are more than just my size. I need to love ME, the me that everyone in my life loves. I need to stop comparing myself to other women (does anyone reading this know how to do that?!).

I'm nervous as hell to dance. The fucking song is only 4 mins long, and I've spent about 100 hours agonizing over it! It's more than just dancing. It's getting up in front of people I love, admire and respect - and having the potential of failure looming over my head. AHHHH!
Somehow, my problem is more than just "stage fright". I get literally, sick to my stomach and want to puke/cry. All I can envision is people laughing at me for being fat - or me falling. It's ludicrous! Deep breath....deep breath! I'm going to push through the nausea, fear, potential "worst case scenario" and I'm going to dance. I'm going to fucking rock out to "Wind It Up" by Gwen Stefani...(love that song)!

Thanks for listening to my ranting...!

Love,

*S

PS- This picture is of me, with ISIS wings at Rakkasah in NJ in 2006.