No Easy Way Out....

So, I'm super in debt. I've been on the no fun budget and rocking it for a few months....and it's gotten easier. But, tonight thinking about it I just felt overwhelmed. I wanted an easy way out.
So, I got to thinking about cashing out my 401K and paying off my debt...an easy out. But, factor in the taxes and penalties...you've taken all that money out for nothing. You only end up with half of it. Truly, it would be cheating. If I keep doing what I'm doing- I'll be debt free in 2009....I just want to be debt-free NOW!

D pointed out that I didn't get into debt overnight....therefore I can't get out overnight. It takes time. It's a process.

The same can be said for weight-loss. We didn't get fat overnight....and we're not going to get healthy overnight either. It's takes time. Wanting it instantly seems completely irrational.

Now, speaking of easy fixes....let's chat about gastric bypass. I am personally SUPER against it. The only time I am OK with it is if the person is literally in a life or death situation. I know 4 people who have had gastric bypass surgery - only 1 was "morbidly obese"...and all 4 of them not only changed who they were as people (and I don't mean in a good way), but lost a ton of weight only to gain some/most of it back.

Gastric bypass is a quick fix. Cut your stomach into a 1/3 and eat a shot glass of food...perfect! There's also a lot of gross side effects - and scars. In the end, you look like Frankenstein. It's just disturbing.

One of the people I know who had it done was in her late twenties, we'll call her Monica. Monica was the classic fat girl - pretty face...meh body. She is about 5'5" and when we met she weighed 300 pounds. She was married to a doctor - and had a perfect life on paper....minus the weight. I thought she was shy yet really sweet. Right after we met, she had gastric bypass. A few months went by before I saw her again - and I could tell she was different. She was more outgoing, cheerier. Oh, and she looked great! By the end of 10 months she was a size 4. From a size 26 to a size 4 in ten months. WOW! But, in that time she had become a different person entirely. She started cheating on her husband, and she became incredibly vain. I didn't even know her...it was sad. She once showed me her scars - from both the surgery and the skin removal afterwards. It was frightening. Inside of both arms, both legs, her back and her stomach.

She looked gross. It didn't seem worth it to me. Eating shot glasses of food....tons of stitches...and for what? A broken marriage and a body built by Frankenstein?! No, thanks.

I've had more than a dozen people tell me I should consider it - including a random stranger and a VP at the company I work at. It seems like everyone thinks the easy way is the best way...that says something about our society.

When I get to the end of this proverbial weight-loss road...I want to be the same person as when I started. Sure, people will look at me differently - and my relationship with food will be different....but I refuse to change my ideals. I won't take the easy way out.

Love,
*S

PS- These opinions are mine, and mine alone. I don't expect you to agree - and if you've had the surgery and it helped, kudos.

Surviving the Holidays // Why We Used to Overeat

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!!!!

D and I are chit-chatting about being thankful, surviving 1 of the 3 big holidays and why we used to be doomed at this time of year.

Personally I am thankful for this new life, fantastic friends who support me and a loving family. Oh, and sparkles. I do love sparkles and would be lost without them. ;)

D is thankful for where he's at and the vision of where he's going. The hope he has now is something he doesn't think he's ever had.

Our Thanksgiving dinner was fantastic. We have a small family, but we usually have TONS of food. This year we had tons of HEALTHY foods...and pie. Haha. We both did really well - no munching, no calorie filled drinks or appetizers. We did have dessert - but it was moderated, and it was low calorie. So, sacrifices were made - and it wasn't nearly as painful as I thought! I suspect Xmas and New Years should be a walk in the park comparatively. I am slightly worried about holiday parties, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner (in pajamas might I add. We decided as a family that pajamas were a must. Even my Nana went for it!) was a huge victory. However, it made D and I take a serious look at how we used to behave during the holidays. This might sound crazy - but the holidays are a calorie free-for-all to a fat person. A holiday signified a free pass to eat as much as you want (because everyone else is!) and never feel guilty. In fact, you can justify the insane overeating by saying "Well, it's Christmas!!!". Jim Gaffigan would say "Yes, it is Christmas....baby Jesus would want you to eat 5 servings of stuffing and a hot pocket".

Being fat, every day you eat the way a normal does on Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving, you eat 3X what you do on a normal day (which again is 3X a normal person)...that 9X a normal person during holiday season. Math isn't my strong suit - but that just plain does NOT add up. :)

Now that we've discussed how we justified overeating...let's discuss why.

Here's all the reasons we've come up (ala 3 things...):

1. Comfort. Food makes you feel better.
2. Entertainment. No one wants to watch TV w. out eating...and if you're bored, why not eat?
3. Convenience. Food (especially bad food) are easy and accessible. Cooking takes too long.

That mentality has changed, but it has not been easy. Training your brain to think of food as fuel is tougher than it sounds. We've both slipped here and there (pancakes when I should have ordered an Egg Beater omelet...) - but overall, we've made huge strides.

Speaking of huge strides....time for a progress update!

I am still down 40 pounds and have gained 15 pounds of muscle. Legit. 15 pounds of muscle! Exciting.

D is down 30 pounds and has gained (drum roll please).....30 pounds of muscle!! Amazing.

Signing off,
SUHP x 2 (of love)

Oooh the Struggle / Shut up and Deal

Lately I've been feeling like people don't quite understand the struggle we're both facing. Twice in the last week someone has said to me: "Oh it's just a matter of exercising and eating right - not brain surgery!" .... or "Just cut carbs and start running. Boom - you'll be skinny in no time".

Both tidbits are stupid. No, this isn't brain surgery....but it isn't easy either. We have 26/22 years of bad habits under our belt, respectively. Not to mention the fact that we didn't put the weight on overnight, therefore it's not going to come off overnight either. This is a lifestyle change.

We both have family stuff, personal stuff. job stuff, and now this. Diet and exercise are just one more straw on the camel's back.

I realize that no one is perfect, and I'm not saying our lives are abnormally challenging...it just seems overwhelming sometimes.

For D, food enters his thoughts last - and he's trying to be as conscious of it as possible. Being fat was easy. Not caring about we ate was even easier. Planning and prepping and constantly thinking about it is maddening.

For me, it's trying to be as normal as possible. I had brunch w. some work friends today - and while I seriously contemplated eating 3X what I had...I knew I would pay for it in the end. Last week, A was in town and when we went out to dinner I *almost* had a martini - AND creme brulee. After planning to allow myself to have the latter only. It's a struggle to not give it to your wants.

Personally, I have always had low willpower - I give in WAY too easy....especially where food is concerned. I think it's because it was always something I could control. I couldn't control how kids in school acted, I couldn't control not being the smartest or the prettiest....but dammit, I could control what I ate.

Sometimes, being on a diet and accounting for everything going into your mouth is exhausting. It should be so mindless to eat healthy...and want to exercise. But, for us it's completely foreign.

D says that we both need people around us to continue leading their normal lives - order things that are unhealthy and eat them in front of us. Sounds like D is a sadist eh? Yeah, that was initial reaction too. But, he made sense of it.

"Sam, people can't walk on egg shells around us because we're fat. They shouldn't have to order salad when they want chicken parm. We're the ones on a diet - they shouldn't be changing their lives. Every day someone around you could be eating something you want. Get over it."

PS - our readership has grown ten-fold since we started. I just want to thank everyone for all the notes, IM's etc. It means a lot to us. :-)

Love,
*US
(hot pocket!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Overcompensation...and the Media

Hi Everyone!
We just got home from Jim Gaffigan...OMG funniest man alive. Legit. Hilarious. :)

In the car we were chatting about the blog. We have a bunch of ideas for posts, but the one we decided on for tonight is overcompensation.

It seems that as soon as someone hears your fat; it must be followed by an adjective to apologize for this. "Oh he's fat but he can juggle! Not only can he juggle but he's good company and he comes with a cute dog. THE cutest dog.".

In D's case he is funny. Now granted, he's naturally funny...but just that trait alone is enough to overcompensate for his size. Me? I'm not so lucky. I'm not funny...but I am sarcastic, and sweet. Those together seem to hold enough merit to excuse my ass.

Not everyone is like this - but a good majority of the people we know are. For example...I work in tech support. I troubleshoot for a living, and as a result I have a collection of customers who know me. The first year I went out to a trade show I met some of these customers - and it got back to me that one of them said "Oh yeah I met *Samantha*....cute voice but she's fat. Never saw that coming. Don't think I'll be calling into support quite as much now". The person he said it to is a good friend of mine - and checked him into place....but it really made me think. Are people honestly disappointed when they meet me and I'm not a size 2? Apparently so. How sad.

I could see if I was fat and tragic....wearing a mu mu and scarfing fast food at the booth. I'm not. So, why is my size even an issue?

Back to the rant at hand....overcompensating for being fat. If you're fat and you're not funny, or sweet, or can juggle. Then what? Being normal sized and cute is enough to get by -- being fat and cute? Notsomuch. This brings us to the media. Why aren't there any fat people in the media who don't fall into one of the following categories:

1. Comic (John Belushi, Chris Farley, John Candy, Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell)

2. Tragic (Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, Ricky Lake, Anna Nicole)

3. Culturally Acceptable (Queen Latifah, Monique, Anthony Anderson)

Is there ever a main character in a show or movie who is fat and fantastic? Nope. Does not exist. However, there are some exceptions to the above. Fat is acceptable in the following conditions only:

1. Sidekick (Jennifer Hudson in SATC, Jason Alexander in Seinfeld)

2. Detective/Cop (Dennis Franz on NYPD Blue, Every other guy on Law and Order)

3. Stereotyped role (Fat Italian: James Gandolfini from Sopranos...hell the whole CAST of Sopranos, Fat Greek: Nia Vardalos from My Big, Fat Greek Wedding).

Sometimes, the fat people aren't even real - they're animated:

1. Homer Simpson from The Simpsons

2. Peter Griffin from Family Guy (see previous "No Fat Chicks" rant for *S's thoughts on this show)

3. Cartman from South Park

I have racked my brain, polled random friends and done Google searches. There is not a single show out there with a fat main character that does not fall into one of the above, "safe"categories. Moreso - there are 500 shows that do fall into those categories. Why are there no fat action heroes? Would Bruce Willis have been as kickass in Die Hard if he weighed 300 pounds? Fat superhero? No such thing.

Recently Derek and I came across a show called "Ruby". You think this would be our thing. She's fat- she's losing weight and she's honest about it. She sucks. Please click the link below to see the ridiculousness that is Ruby.

http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp

My gripe with her is that she is wearing MUMU's (or maybe a bedsheet - we're not sure)...on the verge of death...and trying to buy chocolate in the fucking health food store. REALLY? REALLY?! She needs to get a grip on reality. I hate reality TV....but that is a rant for another night.

Signing off,
SUHP x 2

PS - Here's a shot of Derek. You've seen my cute face and asked to his...so here he is. Sexy eh? :)

A Special Announcement....

We have some good news to share. So good it deserves it's own post.

*Samantha is officially down 40 pounds since starting! Forty pounds is the size of a small child!

Derek did (drum roll please)......ONE THOUSAND crunches at the gym today. 1,000!!!!!

Love,
*US*

True Friends....D's Second Time Solo

Sup guys....back again for my second post.

The recent severing of ties with my best friend of the last eight years has me thinking. Mostly I'm think about true friends. How is it you can know someone so well for so long then without you realizing it...something changes? You're not given a chance to sort it out before the other person has made the foregone conclusion that the friendship is over. It sucks. How is it someone you've formed such a strong bond with could turn around and stab you in the back with such hateful words? He forgot that he was like a brother to me - and dropped me like a bad habit.

I'm speaking of course, of Chris.

He has been my friend thru a lot of hard times, including the beginning of this weight loss battle. But, due to no fault of my own he will not be through the end.

Instinctively I think to myself...."this must be my fault". Then I think "Is it really my fault we're in 2 different places...both geographically and mentally?" Chris lives in Texas - his family moved 2 years ago. I've graduated college, he dropped out. I live in the real world, he works in retail and hangs w. high school kids.

I've spent the last week beating myself up emotionally over Chris's departure. However, my eating and exercise regimen have not slipped one bit.

I was watching TV with my mom, and she likes this show called "Potter's House". It's a show with a minister (Bishop TD Jakes) and he talks about religion - but in a cool, relative way.

The episode we watched seemed like it was made for me.

He said "If someone leaves your life, you cannot convince them to stay. You can't make someone love you, want to be with you, want to stay friends". If someone walks out of your life....let them keep walking. People who leave your life for a different group of friends never really loved YOU...just the idea of you. When they found someone who could give them the same things, with less effort on their part they were gone. He also said "When you get to the top of wherever you are going, you need to thank everyone who challenged you and everyone who abandoned you on your journey - they made you what you are".

Fuck everyone who has ever left my life. I've been alone for so long that it's easy for me. In fact, it's better. I have my family, I have a few close friends, that's all I need. I don't need fake, bullshit relationships - you're either 100% in or 100% out. Chose one.

In the case of Chris, our lives grew apart and our priorities changed. Big time. That being said, I don't wish him any ill will....I just wish he could have stuck by me a little longer. But, everything happens for a reason.

I asked Sam how many true friends she has and she said she can count them on one hand. The people she loves and trusts explicitly are few and far between. I think to myself "This is how it should be. How can you have true friends in quantity...this isn't a wholesale club".

In closing - the people who have left my life are gone forever. There is no refriending, reunions, reuniting on Facebook. Fuck that. I know exactly where I am going, and knowing where I've been and now that you've left - I know the old saying is true "life goes on".

Map to Fat Freedom...

So, a few of you have emailed us to ask what we're doing....and why it's working. I guess we should break that down eh? :)

Before: We both consumed anywhere from 2500 to 4000 calories a day and got little to no physical activity.

Now: D and I are both on a 1700-1800 calorie diet and it's strict. No liquor, limited sugar, lots of fruit and veggies, lots of lean protein (chicken, fish, egg beaters), and no fried food/junk.

This might seem insane. In fact, when Brian first showed it to us...I thought he was insane. We thought we'd give it 3 good days and be right back where we started. Instead - we got on board. No cheating - no excuses...let's just do it. Exercise alone would not fix the mess we were in - we had to get our nutrition under control. It hasn't been easy to cut out things we love, especially things that are "quick". Eating healthy is not quick or simple -- it's a chore. Pre-planning is absolutely essential. If you end up famished after work and haven't food shopped - you're fucked. Keeping things like soup and whole wheat pasta on hand have helped...but this new way of eating can also be a little bland.

I've been thinking I should check out magazines and websites for healthy alternatives...I might do that this week on my lunch break. If you have any healthy recipes you want to share - post em!

Onto the exercise portion of this regimen!

We are in week 4 of exercising at the gym and our routine goes something like this:

Workouts 6 days a week. Three of these are all cardio, all the time. These days the workout is approximately 30-45 mins total. I hate these days. Cardio is painful, and boring. Every minute on the treadmill makes me feel like a hamster in one of those wheels. I'm walking...but not getting anywhere. The cardio is a mix of treadmill and bike...eventually it will include elliptical, but we both hate the feeling of those machines right now.

On the other 3 days we do the "Brian workout". It's hardcore, it hurts...but in a good way.

D's workout:

Cardio warmup - 10 mins on recumbent bike

Weight Training:
Glute machine - 60 reps per leg at 50 lbs.
Leg Press- 60 reps total at 110 lbs.
Leg Extensions- 50 reps at 80 lbs.
Leg Curls - 40 reps at 80 lbs.
Hip Adductor (Inner) - 60 reps at 250 lbs.
Hip Adductor (Outer) - 60 reps at 250 lbs.
Biceps - 40 reps at 75 lbs.
Shoulder Press- 40 reps at 35 lbs.
Chest Press- 40 reps at 50 lbs.

Resistance Training: (bands 1-12...no weight correlation)
Seated Row - 40 reps at 11 bands
Ab Crunchers- 500 reps at 12 bands (he's hardcore!)
Lateral Pull downs- 40 reps at 10 bands

Cardio Finish: up to 20 mins on the recumbent

Now, I does all the same things...just with a lot less weight - and in some cases more reps. I've also added in the Tricep Press and another Ab machine that I've dubbed the "Ab Squisher of Doom". Literally. It fucking hurts. The first time I did it, I could do 5 reps and was close to passing out.

I am also splitting my cardio between the treadmill and the recumbent -- I've made a workout mix for cardio days - and the songs are super long. Finishing a whole song's worth of cardio is something I enjoy accomplishing. My current favorite 10-min song is "Slacker" by Umphrey's Mcgee.

In closing, we're relishing in the small victories again today. For *S it's surviving one month at the gym - and actually accomplishing more than a 5-min workout each day. For D it's going from not being able to do 1 ab crunch to completing 500 in a day. That's an amazing feat.

More to come...
Love,
US

But I FEEL So Much Thinner!

Dual blog post tonight. We're chatting about how our weekly progress pix (which are not yet public) just don't match how we FEEL on the inside.

Physically D feels like he could take on Mike Tyson in his prime, and whoop his ass. Me? I feel like I should be strutting down the runway at Fashion Week.

However, we're so not even close.

We've been working out for 1 month, and previously just dieting for 1 month. So, 8 weeks in - we feel like super humans. I suppose this is normal. When you go from doing absolutely nothing, to working out 6 days a week....your bound to feel amazing.

That being said, it's bittersweet. All I can focus on is the millions of workouts, and lifetime of eating healthier that stand before me. What I'm not taking into account is how drastically we've both changed our lives in this short time.

8 weeks is not a long time. In that time we've lost 65 pounds combined - and gained 15 pounds of muscle. That's awesome!

Yet, I am left feeling wholly unsatisfied. I want more. I want knee-high boots. I want skinnier jeans. I want VISIBLE progress, dammit.

D wants basketball jerseys and tank tops and 42" jeans. We're just not there yet. But, we are in this for the long haul. No one said it would be easy. However, we know it will be worth it.

One of D's good friends asked how he'll fair during the holidays. D's response cracked me up: "Dude, I don't need a special day to have a battle with food. Every MF-ing day is a battle with food".

He's right.

This weekend alone we narrowly avoided a 2,000 calorie brunch, pastries from our favorite bakery and fudge. Delicious, chocolately fudge. We both resisted all temptations - but it wasn't easy.

It just seems that at this point, having a "little bit" is like saying to a drug addict that they could have just a "little" heroin. A little is how we got to where we are right now. Let's face it, we all know "a little" is never truly a little.

On the gym front D is doing 500 ab crunches a day. Yes, you read that correctly. My brother, the one who used to eat 4,000 calories a day is doing FIVE HUNDRED ab crunches a day.

Me? I'm only up to 130 crunches. However, I'm able to do much longer bouts of cardio (20 mins on the bike, followed by 15 on the tread!). Yay!

One thing we've both noticed is the way people doubt our ability to even function at the gym. As soon as they see D getting off a machine, at least 1 person will run over and see what his weight was set to. Moreover, if they are in a close enough proximity, I have actually caught people counting my reps. Really?! Your life is that sad that you need to count how many leg presses I can do, then see if you can top me? Fail.

This week will be challenging for S* -- several different friends are in town and she's working a weird shift nearly every day. This means planning will be essential. Meals, gym times, sleep...everything needs to stay on schedule in order for this to work. This is scary....this is not her perfect, little controlled environment. Stay tuned.

XO!
Us

PS -- I love today's picture. We're not just interested in this, we're committed.

D's 1st Solo Post

Sup guys. Coming to you tonight on my own. For the first time.

Recently I have noticed that friends of mine and people around me are in relationships or in some cases married to people they have complete ambivalence for. What happens when some people get to a point were they are living on auto pilot?

I look at couples and I wonder if they are truly happy or they've just been together so long that it's better than being alone. Is waking up to a warm body, any body, better than waking up by yourself?

I find coincidence between this and my relationship or should I say former relationship with food and to a larger extent life. In college my relationship with food was straight up dangerous. There was numerous restaurants 10 feet from school all serving delicious food. How could I not be eating? There's nothing else to do - why not eat? I was a fucking huge train wreck. Let me back up. A ten minute break in class would consist of a family-size bag of white tortilla chips and a huge can of iced tea loaded with sugar. I was the fastest eater I knew and was somehow always hungry. Breakfast was 2 - always 2 never 1 of anything - 2 sausage, egg and cheese wraps in a fattie fat tortilla with fattie fat sauce (greasy Mexican salsa). That thought repulses me now.

In an average day, without thinking, I would eat 2 breakfast wraps, a personal pizza from Bertucci's, a cup of soup from soup factory, 4 chocolate chip cookies from the bakery and numerous vending machine snacks. Emphasis on the numerous. All day long I drank soda (6-8 per day). On the train ride home I would justify everything I ate. "It was only 1 cup of a soup and its a small cup" that was an average justification. I dare you to resist a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Call my bluff. Go ahead. Oh I forgot to add that after this day I would arrive at North Station and be greeted by the McDonald's where I would have to buy something - usually 2 quarter pounders with cheese and a root beer. Who doesn't love root beer?

(Note: Sam is in awe of this. She had no idea what my life was like outside of the house. It's amazing what can be kept under wraps if you try hard enough).

The funny part about this was my family had no idea how much I ate.I couldn't ever tell them I'd be way too embaressed and I know mom would feel so bad about it. They thought I didn't eat at all while in school. We won't even touch the logistics of how much I spent on food in an average day - all I knew was if there was money in my pocket, things were fine.

For those of you who might be curious, yes I still ate dinner that night. I would come home and say I hadn't eaten all day - then proceed to eat dinner, dessert (always dessert) and consume more soda. Food was always there for me. Looking back I could say I would eat about 4500-6000 calories a day. One pound of fat is 3500 calories. I was gaining an average of a pound a day. By all rights, I should be dead. Apparently, God had other plans.

Now I don't live my life on auto pilot anymore. I am in control and have found reasons to live. Reasons to get up each day and make the right choices - not the easy choices. Being angry about my past makes it twice as hard to succeed now. They say denial is the first step and acceptance is the second. It's the second step I struggle with.

Overall I'm happy that I've started doing something and started making changes for the better. However I haven't fully come to terms with the person I used to be. They say you have to know where you've been to know where you're going. I know where I've been and I'm not accepting it yet but I am smart enough to know I can only go forward not backward.

Thanks for listening and not judging. I wasn't too into this blog thing but it's turned out to be a great outlet for expressing who I am and what we're both going through.

-Your boy D

Current Self vs Future Self.....

D and I are talking tonight about how we were versus how we ARE versus how we will be. It's such an interesting topic for discussion.

D first:

I used to be the kid who gave himself excuses to not do anything. In fact - the old me would be on Deal or No Deal...5 steps from the million dollars suitcase and say 'nah...5 steps is too many. I'm good. Thanks'.

Now, I'll do 5 steps...maybe an extra 5...hell even 50. Now I'll do 300 crunches, not the 20 Brian expects me to do. I see your expectation level, and I fucking exceed it. Every time.

Sound weird? Encouragement + tough love = results. Let's not bullshit anymore. Shut up and just do it.

So, Past Derek was lazy and unmotivated. Up until 2 months ago I had all but given up the will to live. Things seems completely insurmountable, and impossible.

Current Derek shits in the face of danger. Literally. He knows what he wants, he knows how to get there and he will pummel you if you get in his way. Doubt him? He'll prove you wrong twice.
He's pretty much a modern day Chuck Norris.

How will Future Derek be? I can only speculate that my future self will be as amazing as my current self....times infinity plus one. Oh, and with a hot body too.

For instance, in high school a lot of teachers had no faith in my ability to go to college and excel. In fact, many would not write me recommendation letters. Not only did I go to college, but I finished a Bachelor's degree in 3 years - not 4 and I came out of the experience a much better person.

I am someone who likes to be told he can't do something - I like a challenge.

----

*S

The Old Samantha was a person who's life was run by the whim of the people around her. Ouch! D said this and I shuddered. But, it's true. My life was dictated by the unhealthy attitudes of the social circles I maintained. Going for drinks? Everyone else is doing it! Eating dessert even though I'm stuffed? Why not?

I was a sad person.

Current *Samantha has a smaller, healthier social circle. No dead weight here. Everyone who is in my life (and reading this blog) is special to me....and has earned their place here for loving me for me. As an aside, Current *S also has a smaller, healthier waist too. ;)

Future *Samantha will be the girl that everyone wants to be. She won't doubt herself before she says something....she won't constantly compare herself to every woman in a room and she will never walk away from something because it seems too hard. She will also look seriously hot.

A lot of my recent self-discovery surrounds my relationships. The guys in my past were always equally as troubled as me - just in different ways. Going forward my goal is to find someone who might have baggage - but it's equal. No more overcompensation...no more pretending...and no more settling for shit when I deserve so much better. In the end, no more settling period.

I can't tell you how many times Past *S has settled...or better yet, talked herself out of something (or someone) that had fantastic potential just because she lacked self-worth. From here on out, no regrets.

Love,
US!

Such a Pretty Face....

Solo entry tonight. D is sleeping, and I am compelled to post this.

All my life I've been told I have "such a pretty face"!.

Not only did I never believe it....but I always hated the expression.

Pretty face implies the rest of me is not pretty...it always seemed like something people just said to say.

People say babies are cute (even when they're not), people say they're thrilled to go to weddings (even when they're not). So, people tell fat girls they have pretty faces (even if they don't).

I wasn't planning on posting pix of myself until I can do my comparison shot - but I love this picture. It's the first picture of me in probably 5-6 years that I have loved. I have cheek bones! I have pretty eyes! Oh, and I have a HELLA fierce haircut. Combined, I am pretty. Shiza!

This might sound vain, but I looked at this picture for a while after I took it. I marveled at finding myself pretty. I always considered myself sparkly....sarcastic...bubbly. Not pretty. Cute maybe. Not pretty. Pretty is reserved for other girls. Not me.

I guess I gave up on myself somewhere along the way. I resigned myself to the fact that I could win someone over w/ my personality....but not my looks. Never my looks. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I *am* a force to be reckoned with? What a concept....

I always fear that when I meet someone new I have to win them over in 5 seconds, or they end up focused on the fact that I'm fat....and I lose their interest completely. I theorize about how people would react if I was a size 8 and not a 28. Eventually, this will be a reality...if I keep working this hard. That both terrifies and excites me.

For today however, I will focus on my victories in the form of overall wellness, pounds lost and new feelings. Like pretty.

It's a strange place to be...but I'm glad to be here.

*S

Gym Rantings....

First, a little hello to all our new readers. Most of you are people I hold near and dear...and I'm happy to be sharing our experience with you. ;-)

Let's start off w/ a progress update!

*S is down 33 pounds....has gained 5 pounds of muscle and wore a sweater that has NEVER fit her. Legit!

D is down 30 pounds...has gained approximately 10 pounds of muscle (maybe more!) and fit into a cramped restaurant booth at 99. Wooo!

---

Now, the gym rant.....

D seriously hates the attitude people give him when he mentions going to the gym. He's unsure whether people are more amazed he knows where the gym is...or actually goes. Now while at the gym, people LOVE to stare at him. I've noticed it too. It's like kids outside a Toys R Us at Christmas. "Holy shit! Is that a FAT KID at the gym?! QUICK! Call CNN." We even suspect one person snapped a picture of him with their camera phone to share w. his friends. I can picture said loser drinking beers w. his friends that night and saying: "Dude! Bro! Look! A FAT KID at the GYM! This is more rare than a penguin in Las Vegas!".

While we're talking about the gym....here's a list of things that piss us both off:

1. Walking by the showers just to pee and seeing "naked man ass". (That's Derek's...I don't think I would necessarily mind naked men...unless they're over the age of 35, then I might).

2. The fact that we go UPSTAIRS to the "beginner's area". I feel like anyone looking at me is immediately discounting me based on where I exercise. Downstairs? That's for the big kids. No pun intended.

3. Meatheads. I know every gym has them...but seeing someone who looks like they could bench press a house that screams and grunts constantly makes me want to bitch slap someone.

4. Ridiculous "Motivational" Cougars. These women are 40+ and travel in packs. They yell constant encouragement to each other....even if their fellow cougar is 40 feet away. They also wear spandex pants from 1982 and should not be looked at directly....or they will pounce.

5. People who count aloud. Do you read aloud at a bookstore? NO! Therefore, don't count your goddamn reps at the gym.
PS- We know when you're full of shit and did not do 300 crunches.

6. People who start talking randomly, and don't STFU. I have headphones on. I'm not here to meet friends, I'm here to workout. Every time you open your mouth to yap, I visualize lighting you on fire. However, we all know fire spreads...and I'd be fucked.
For more information on fire safety please consult Smokey the Bear.

7. People who sweat all over the machines, and walk away like the puddle they've left behind isn't theirs. D says: "Great! The machine is covered in sweat and smells like you...why don't I shit in a burlap sack and leave it in your car. My gift to you, buddy!".

8. People who watch me like a hawk on a machine, then run over to see how much weight I can leg press/hip press/tricep press whatever. Worry about you, not me.

9. Women who wear SKANKY little outfits to the gym (like lingerie tops) and then spend their whole time texting. This is not a social hour. Get your powder puff ass off my treadmill.

10. Old people. Today I waited TWENTY MINUTES while an old man sat at the bicep machine contemplating life. I tried to be polite, I tried giving him they "hey, almost done?" smile...he did not budge. Oh and to boot, he did FIVE curls. *sigh*

Alienation....and Mickey D's.

Note: This picture will make sense by the end of the blog, we promise.

"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow. " - Men In Black



Dual entry today...we're both here and we're chatting about the above quote. D loves this quote, and I can see the merit in it. People are society....society is panicky and semi-ridiculous.



Some of society liked Sarah Palin, 'nuff said....



The same people who who believe that aliens from Mars could attack if they heard it on the radio are the same people who believe in fad diets and alienate someone based on size, gender or color.



'People' believe that Barack Obama is a Muslim...or won't salute the flag. They also subscribe to the school of thought that says you should starve yourself to be thin; and Paris Hilton makes a good role model. The world is a scary place.



It's sad to me that in the year 2008 we are still a society of so many prejudices.

We can only assume the prejudice of fat comes from the idea that's different. People hate things that are different. Fat is looked at as something possessed by a second-class citizen. There are exceptions of course. Millionaires can be fat, comedians can be fat, Goddamn Dr. Phil can be fat...but the average person? Absolutely not.



Now, if you are fat you must overcompensate for this. Immediately. D always hears people say "Oh, he's fat....but he's hysterical!". I usually get "Oh she is fat...but she is so sweet!".

Those of you who know me know that's not always true... ;-)



Along the same lines, we are constantly wondering why "big" is the first thing people think of when they describe us. Today at the gym, a woman approached me to say how great we both looked. I was flattered. However, I was also annoyed as hell because she said "Your brother looks great too - he's built like a brick shit house!".



Did that need to be stated? Your roots are showing...and your shirt was too tight. Did you see me point that out? No. I have class. When I told D about our random praise...he commented "Why did she have to say big? I didn't say her face looked like a Death Valley fire trail, did I?". He is always been more blunt.



When describing someone you usually are inclined to mention height, moneymaker (face), anything unique (tattoo that says "Fuck You" written across their neck)...does weight always play a factor? I think the answer is "only if it's not average".



What is average anyways? Who defines "average"?



Is the guy on the cover of Men's Fitness average? How many people REALLY look like this? If D works hard and does look like this, will he get female attention? Of course. Will it be a double-edged sword? You bet.

The same girls who shun him now would be falling over him by then. He is after all, super cute. He worries that he could never really meet someone who would have loved him now being the way he is. Would you want to be with someone who only knew you in the present, and could have potentially hated you in the past? It's an interesting question to ponder.

I suppose it's not just to be looked at from a "fat perspective"....what about people who win the lottery, or become overnight celebrities? Are the relationships they build from that point on as solid as the one's in their past?

Can someone ever really connect with you if they didn't know what you had been through to become the person you are now? I'm not sure.

Can anyone ever really relate to what you're going through in life? D says "Unless you've been through it - you can't relate to it."

I think the people in my life can empathize....but not sympathize. Sympathy implies they've encountered it...empathy implies they just understand me.



Can anyone really sympathize with me when I seriously contemplate stabbing my coworkers in the leg for eating cake w/ ice cream while sitting at my desk? I don't think so. That being said...this is something I need to get through. Foods filled with empty (yet quite tasty) calories surround me daily. Right now, I am the equivalent of an alcoholic bartender.

Let me say that again: I am the equivalent of an alcoholic bartender. Great analogy eh? D always has a way with words.

Everyday we are SURROUNDED by things we can't have. This will never change. However, the desire to have them will change.



D says: "I am so envious of the people who can pop by McDonald's, grab a quick bite and never think twice. I would too....except I'm 10 Big Macs away from a tombstone. Not to mention I can't just order A Big Mac...it may start off as a Big Mac but I'll be offered a drink and fries (King Size? Sure!)...who can turn down that good of a deal?"

Side note: Is it just me, or does it seem fast food places make their awful food incredibly cheap on purpose? Eating healthy is time-consuming and can be expensive. Somehow, ordering off a "Dollar Menu" makes it seem like you're not just eating, you're saving money. What you don't factor in is that you could drop 10 bucks - and gain 10 pounds just from that quick meal. It's just not worth it in the end.

Now, about the picture. McDonald's and other fast food chains have made society (the same tools we referenced earlier) believe they have healthy choices. Oh sure, they have salad...but have you noticed how horrid looking it is? Last time I checked, lettuce should be green. Now, what goes on salad? Why salad dressing of course! No one ever guaranteed THAT was healthy...never mind the bacon/cheese/nuts/tortilla strips/"crispy chicken" you add to it...the only healthy part of this salad is the lettuce. That is, if it's not 2 weeks old.

We'll pass, thanks.

In closing....we might be fat now, but we're getting less fat. Soon, we will not be fat at all. The people who make fun of us suck, they will always suck - and according to D - that will never change.

No Fat Chicks

D and I talked about this recently....and I thought I'd share.

In high school, someone decided the phrase "No Fat Chicks" was hysterical. It made it's way onto lockers, t-shirts, posters etc. I hated it. But, I was surprised when a friend from HS said "Oh we don't mean you!". Uh...I'm fat, and I'm a chick. How could you NOT mean me?! *sigh*

I suppose it was because I was so bubbly, and sparkly...I was always upbeat. I went to HS with 2 other "fat chicks" and they were total bitches. Angry, hateful bitches. No one liked being around them.

Nonetheless, I hate the phrase. I hate shows like Family Guy for having fat guys like Peter Griffin constantly pick on his (NOT) fat daughter, calling her "fattie". I HATE that word! HATE!

Why is it socially acceptable for men to be fat, but not women? Men are "big", "built", "intimidating". Fat women? We're trash. It boggles my mind.

Now there are some exceptions....and there are some opposites.

I have had boyfriends (cute ones at that!) and none of them have been fat. I do have a group of fantastic friends who love me no matter what. But, this rant is directed at society. Society is cruel.

Society (at least the majority) have lumped fat people in with lepers. Avoid at all costs. I can understand how it started....especially since I have seen the stereotypical fat people - the ones who are so tragic they belong on Jerry Springer. I just wish we didn't ALL get a bad rep just because of some bad apples.

So we have the fat haters on one side... then we have the fat lovers. Yes, I said fat lovers.

Last December I went to a show w/ one of my BFF's, Rachel. It was a "big gal" dance troupe - and being bellydancers, we were all about supporting local artists. Well, we got a lot more than we bargained for. These women were all size 16+ and they loved being fat. LOVED. They called each other "Fattie" and "Chubs". They sang SONGS about loving their flab, and they were generally just ridiculous.

They also tried to recruit me. I was fat, I had a booty and I could dance. I was perfect!

I was perfectly fucking mortified. Why in God's name would I want to SING and DANCE (in gross, unflattering little outfits) about being fat!???! I was a thin person trapped in a fat body. I refused to join them.

Now, I am not anti-self love. I'm all about loving yourself, and loving what you've got. However, when you are literally too fat to walk 50 feet w/ out being out of breath....and all your clothes are 4 sizes too small..... you look like a fool.

Oh, one more creepy factor in this whole thing...they had stalkers. Yup. Men (usually 50+, sketchy as all hell and ugly) who were "Fattie Lovers".
(I couldn't even make this up if I tried... )
They bought calendars, t-shirts and posters. It was odd. Just odd. How can you love someone just for being fat?!

Side note: 92% of these women were huge bitches. Bitchy and fat? What a combo.

So I hate the fat haters...and the fat lovers. I suppose that seems weird eh? Shouldn't I be on someones side? Nope. I'm on my own side.

I have a booty...I have more than curves....and I want more than this. I want to be healthier, and with that comes weight loss.

I will never be a size 2, but I will also never be happy being a size 22. That's just me.

Overcoming Bad Habits....

.....is harder than it sounds.

D is sleeping, but I just had to post. I warned you all that I talked more!

This week has been hellish. Work drama, car drama, money drama....and to boot, my period. Yay!

Typically I would be mowing on candy/cupcakes/anything sweet every night....and sleeping 10-14 hrs a day because I was so worn out.

Not this time.

I have stuck to my diet 100% - added some more calcium and lots of extra water...and getting my regular sleep (5-6 hrs a night). Oh, and exercising.

I feel fantastic! Who knew that exercising helped so much!!??!?! It's bizarre to me.

However, conquering these bad habits is HARD. So hard! I was a raving bitch all day at work yesterday....I feel bad for the boys in my group. I wanted chocolate SO BAD - but I knew one bite would lead to 12...and soon I'd be off the diet, wallowing in self-pity and staying fat.

I don't want that.

I'm stuck in the strangest place. I know where I am, I know where I want to be....but right now I'm in limbo between both.

I feel like one wrong move and BOOM - I will spiral out of control. *sigh*

It's a very tight rope. Let's hope I can stay on it. Because really, I'm still to close to call -- I could revert back to the old me at any point. I need to stay strong...no matter how tough it is.

---

A few small victories for this week (let's focus on the half-full glass!) --
I got a haircut, and noticed I have cheekbones again. Yay!
I got hit on TWICE (both by guys that ain't my type...but it still felt nice).
I saw a friend from work who travels a lot - and she said "OMG you look great! What have you been doing?"

So, other people seeing visible progress = AMAZING! Wooo!

Off to bed... tomorrow, a dual post.

XO
*S

Myths...and Truths of Being Fat

D and I just talked about some myths...and some general observations about life that we know as fat people. These opinions are just that - opinions. If you're offended, or don't agree - feel free to share your version. America is a free country, after all. :-)

Myths about being fat (from our perspective):

We all eat McDonald's. 24/7...
...gross. Nope. Try again. I'm not fat because of fast food...I'm fat because of cheesecake, portions that were 3X a normal size, chicken parm and martinis. Lots of martinis. D's claim to fat is hamburgers, pizza and soda.

We're all slobs who can't dress.
Hahahaha NO. D and I both dress fabulously. Name brands, fantastic outfits. We're styling!

We gorge ourselves all day long and love buffets.
I hate buffets...too much food, being touched by too many people. We've both also gone whole days without eating much. We're not in this position because we at constantly, but rather because we didn't control WHAT we ate and why.

We have NO idea we're actually fat.
This always makes me laugh. People look at us as if we're in the dark. Like being fat is a secret that we haven't yet figured out. We know. Trust me. Our house does have mirrors. Several, in fact.

We instantly connect with other fat people.
Again, not true. My BFF is small, in shape and takes a size 8 (if I had to guess). D's BFF is tall, skinny as a pole and weighs about 130 pounds soaking wet. Sure, we both have friends who are overweight, but we weren't drawn to them because of that. In fact, I tend to avoid other fat women...they're usually bitter and depressing. Who needs that?!

It's not our fault we're fat.
FALSE! Who's fault is it?! It's not genetics, it's not our environment...we made bad choices, we're paying the price. Fin.

We hate your stupid nicknames. And you.
Derek has always been plagued with nicknames. Everywhere we go, someone wants to dub him "Big Man" or"Big D" or make mention to him being a brick shit house. He doesn't point out your tiny c*ck, so don't point out the fact that he's big.

Fat people aren't people.
I don't know who thought this one up, but somewhere along the lines fat became a flaw. Oh, he's funny, smart and cute? Oh, wait...he's FAT? Ew, he'd make a lousy boyfriend! We shouldn't have to overcompensate for being fat, but we do.

If I lose weight, my entire life will be better.
Bullshit. If you hate your job, hate your friends, have no romantic life and are fat....only one of those will be solved by losing weight. Change your eating habits, and your attitude.

---

Some Observations (*S solo):

Disgusting men think it's OK to hit on you...
...and expect you to lap up their attention just because you're fat. They're not cute. Making comments about my booty makes them even less cute. Go away. Now.

We're invisible.
Every day I walk into work holding at least 4 things (purse, lunch, coffee...who knows what). I can't tell you how many times someone sees me struggling trying to open the door; and ignores me. However! The SECOND I am walking with a skinny woman - poof, instant door holding!! It's sad. There are exceptions; I do work with some guys who are genuine sweethearts, but they're few and far between.

"Fat" precedes every name someone calls us.
Fat bitch, fat fuck, fat pig....you name it, you can add fat to it. It's ridiculous. It's also incredibly uninspired. Try harder next time you want to insult us.

Fat women put out.
Nope, not true. Sure, some...errr...MOST do. It's a self-esteem thing. I'm not saying I have high self-esteem...but I don't need to sleep with random people to make myself feel good. If you do, I pity you. That ain't how I roll.

Dieting is like Budgetting....and I suck(ed) at both!

So this is a solo entry. SU1 is busy watching something...and I'm feeling chatty.

So, I'm flying solo.

I just said to my BFF that dieting is like budgeting. She agreed. It made me think "Wow. No wonder I'm in the position I'm in....I suck(ed) at both".

Sucked. Past tense.

A few months back, a good friend of mine (A) put me on a super strict budget. Super strict. I started taking a look at the frivolous things I spend money on...and I was shocked. How did it get this bad? How had I spent my money (and money I didn't have) on things like random trips, martinis and shoes?! Sigh.

Living on the "no fun budget" (my nickname) made me see that you have to stay within your means....and you can't spoil yourself everyday.

These same principles apply to dieting.

You only get a set number of calories a day, you spend more...you'll pay for it. Making healthy choices isn't EASY, but the benefits are incredibly worth it.

Now that I've got the budgeting thing under control - I'm working on the dieting thing. It's funny, I'm realizing that everything is balance.

A friend of mine, A's hubby, told me "I only run so I can drink wine". I found that comical, but now I see that he's right. Everything is a balancing act.

Goals: Not That David Beckham Shit...Actual Aspirations.

I wanted to share some of the goals we've come up with for ourselves.

Derek is currently rocking a 6XL shirt, and a 56-inch pant. He hopes to be a 3XL shirt and 42-inch pant. Before we met Brian, Derek hoped to be 285 someday. His current goal weight is 350 (as 285 is the amount of lean mass he currently has) - but he is more concerned with not ending up 6 feet under. At the rate he was going, I would be buying him a tombstone for his 25th birthday. That scares the shit out of both of us.

I am currently a size 28 in Lane Bryant clothes, also known as "the largest size you can buy in a store before custom ordering". Before we saw Brian I hoped to weigh 143 pounds, but on our first meeting he tested for lean mass and told me I had 169 pounds of it. This dashed all hopes that I would ever weigh 143. Unless of course I got a femur, and a few organs removed. However, I would like to own ONE thing that is a size 8. Seeing a single digit on the tag of clothing will allow to me to die a happy woman.

One thing you will never hear in this blog is the following quote: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I HATE that quote. I think it's bullshit. I hate Oprah, and I think she of people knows that cheesecake tastes better than new clothes - and her ass shows the evidence.

Once again, the SUhp motto: "Let's not bullshit each other".

So, down to the nitty gritty. What are we looking forward to???

Derek's top 7 goals are as follows:

* Fitting into seats at restaurants, movies, airplanes, concerts...just walking in, sitting down and enjoying life.

* To be "checked out" in public, by cute girls that are over 18, yet under 40. Cougars, need not apply.

* Buying clothes off the rack in a store (and no, we don't mean the fat store).

* Learning how to box. The only thing a fat person fights for is his place in line at the buffet.

* Going to the beach, sans shirt and not hearing a single laugh.

* Doing a pull-up. For a man, there is something gratifying about lifting your own weight.

* Getting a custom designed tattoo on his bicep. He's been talking about this tattoo for longer than I care to recall.

*Samantha*'s top 7 goals:

* Owning, and rocking a bikini. Not just one, preferably more than one. :)

* Wearing a dress, and knee high boots at the same time. The day I can do this, celebrating will ensue.

* Walking long, NYC blocks and keeping up with my BFF, Julie's strides. She is a quick walker - and a good influence on me

* Getting a tattoo, to show off my accomplishments. It will be on my hip bone (left hip) and it will have something to do with stars (my thang).

* Bellydancing in public, in gorgeous costumes. You might find this funny, but I already know HOW to bellydance. I've been taking lessons for nearly three years. I just can't bring myself to perform because of the weight. There are plenty of dancers who are not a size 2...and I respect them greatly. I just can't bring myself to join them. So, bellydancing is on hold until further notice. But, I'll be blogging about it for sure.

* Running a half marathon. I know so many people who have done this, and it seems insanely rewarding. Currently I can't run, nevermind run 13.1 miles. Infact, I was excited to be able to WALK a mile on the treadmill. It took me 20 mins.

* Sustaining a relationship that's not built on baggage, but on love. Every person I've dated has come with some huge flaw, something that levels the playing field. I'm fat, he can't get over his ex. I'm fat, he has mommy issues. I want so badly to meet someone and not have to make excuses for their bad behavior.

Let's hope we meet all these....and meet them soon! :-)