D's 1st Solo Post

Sup guys. Coming to you tonight on my own. For the first time.

Recently I have noticed that friends of mine and people around me are in relationships or in some cases married to people they have complete ambivalence for. What happens when some people get to a point were they are living on auto pilot?

I look at couples and I wonder if they are truly happy or they've just been together so long that it's better than being alone. Is waking up to a warm body, any body, better than waking up by yourself?

I find coincidence between this and my relationship or should I say former relationship with food and to a larger extent life. In college my relationship with food was straight up dangerous. There was numerous restaurants 10 feet from school all serving delicious food. How could I not be eating? There's nothing else to do - why not eat? I was a fucking huge train wreck. Let me back up. A ten minute break in class would consist of a family-size bag of white tortilla chips and a huge can of iced tea loaded with sugar. I was the fastest eater I knew and was somehow always hungry. Breakfast was 2 - always 2 never 1 of anything - 2 sausage, egg and cheese wraps in a fattie fat tortilla with fattie fat sauce (greasy Mexican salsa). That thought repulses me now.

In an average day, without thinking, I would eat 2 breakfast wraps, a personal pizza from Bertucci's, a cup of soup from soup factory, 4 chocolate chip cookies from the bakery and numerous vending machine snacks. Emphasis on the numerous. All day long I drank soda (6-8 per day). On the train ride home I would justify everything I ate. "It was only 1 cup of a soup and its a small cup" that was an average justification. I dare you to resist a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Call my bluff. Go ahead. Oh I forgot to add that after this day I would arrive at North Station and be greeted by the McDonald's where I would have to buy something - usually 2 quarter pounders with cheese and a root beer. Who doesn't love root beer?

(Note: Sam is in awe of this. She had no idea what my life was like outside of the house. It's amazing what can be kept under wraps if you try hard enough).

The funny part about this was my family had no idea how much I ate.I couldn't ever tell them I'd be way too embaressed and I know mom would feel so bad about it. They thought I didn't eat at all while in school. We won't even touch the logistics of how much I spent on food in an average day - all I knew was if there was money in my pocket, things were fine.

For those of you who might be curious, yes I still ate dinner that night. I would come home and say I hadn't eaten all day - then proceed to eat dinner, dessert (always dessert) and consume more soda. Food was always there for me. Looking back I could say I would eat about 4500-6000 calories a day. One pound of fat is 3500 calories. I was gaining an average of a pound a day. By all rights, I should be dead. Apparently, God had other plans.

Now I don't live my life on auto pilot anymore. I am in control and have found reasons to live. Reasons to get up each day and make the right choices - not the easy choices. Being angry about my past makes it twice as hard to succeed now. They say denial is the first step and acceptance is the second. It's the second step I struggle with.

Overall I'm happy that I've started doing something and started making changes for the better. However I haven't fully come to terms with the person I used to be. They say you have to know where you've been to know where you're going. I know where I've been and I'm not accepting it yet but I am smart enough to know I can only go forward not backward.

Thanks for listening and not judging. I wasn't too into this blog thing but it's turned out to be a great outlet for expressing who I am and what we're both going through.

-Your boy D